Cal’s Blog

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Posted on July 11th, 2007 by Cal
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OK, been very, VERY lazy these last couple of weeks. I promise not to load up this blog with clips from YouTube, but frankly this is too good.

Posted on July 3rd, 2007 by Cal
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……….I’d live in a public toilet.

Posted on June 24th, 2007 by Cal
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This had me floored…….

Posted on June 11th, 2007 by Cal
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I came across this Birthday Card on a UK charity card site. Naturally, it’s not something I wake up to on a daily basis.

Posted on June 10th, 2007 by Cal
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There’s no Pumpkin in my Ris-oh-toh! Waaaaagh.

Awwww……got to give it to this whining bastard, there’s not enough pumpkin in his Risotto, he eats most of his meal THEN goes and complains to Gordon Ramsay. I love this clip. Snaps to the guy for sticking with it though.

I just want more pumpkin…..

Posted on June 9th, 2007 by Cal
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I tried. I really did. Today I tried to be a “good” mother. I volunteered to pick up a friends kid from school as she’s back in Australia for a couple of weeks. I met a friend for coffee beforehand and as I had a few minutes to spare until playgroup let out thought I might treat my boys (inc. my surrogate for the next 30 minutes) to a shiny helium balloon each. Creativitiy and patience took a dive as soon as I entered the balloon store and I pointed to the closest Elmo and asked for three. “Three of the same?”, said the lovely lady in the shop. “Ja” I replied impatiently (the dutch word for “yes” is about my grasp of the language. That, and “can I have three more beers please”). She hands over three balloons which are on two metres of ribbon and weighted down with some plastic piece of crap to stop them flying away.

At 11.45 sharp I turned up at playgroup for the little sweetie (who, BTW, is INCREDIBLY cute!). I had stashed the balloons in the car before going into the school as I didn’t want to create a riot. Looking back maybe I should have taken the balloons in with me, just to show the other parents what a good mother I am. Anyway, pick up Curly (let’s call him that, he has the most delish curly brown hair) and stuff both him and my youngest into the car. Curly’s very excited to see three balloons and asks me who they’re for. I told him I bought him one, batted it into the back so he could play with it and drove off. Feeling pretty damn good with myself at this stage.

Within seconds I’m regretting the balloons. I can’t see jackshit, the stoopid things are being batted into the front, Elmo’s fucking smarmy smile is bouncing around in front of me and the traffic is terrible. I finally get them in the back when the traffic starts to move again and I hear a small voice “my seatbelt isn’t on”. Shit. I’ve got no choice but to stop the car in the traffic, get out, wave apologetically to everyone, do the seatbelt up (which for some reason no longer fits in the lock thingy) and get moving. It doesn’t take long for the drivers to get impatient and start honking. I resisted the urge to start wildly gesturing with my fingers, climbed back in the car and, once securely in, let rip at the bastards. I had totally forgotten that I had a two year old and three year old in the car and when I looked back saw four huge, round, unblinking eyes staring at me.

I like to think I taught these kids a few new words to add to their ever-growing vocabulary. I know Curly’s parents won’t thank me though and I will deny all knowledge if questioned. Oh yes …. I will.

Posted on May 24th, 2007 by Cal
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I’m the first to admit that I love trashy television. The trashier, the better! Neighbours? Sure! America’s Next Top Model? Absolutely! Jerry Springer? Pass the Popcorn! I have to say that today’s episode of Maury was a cracker. It had everything: drama, lies, laughter, tears, z-snaps….pure gold. Now the topic for today? “You’re 14….Stop having Sex and dressing like a Stripper”. Cool, Oscar was at school and Felix was napping, what better way to pass a quiet afternoon. Sure, I could have done the housework, washed something or plucked the hairs from my legs, but I chose not to.

Allow me to introduce the girls. Merickia, Shumonique & Mercedes:

Maury got disgusted and made them all cover up with coats:

D West came on, yelled at them a bit, kicked them off-stage and continued to chew them out backstage:

D West decided that the best course of action would be to send the ladies girls to Prison to mix-it with otherwayward ladies (he’s keepin’ it real, peeps):

These wayward Lassies decided that prison was not appealing at all and agreed to have a makeover and to change their ways:

Awwwwwwww………..well done Maury! The universe is back in balance.

Then I stepped on the cat:

I’m not too sure which is more disturbing…..the fact that these types of shows exist? Or that I watch them with my webcam ready. Oh well, it kept me off the Purse Forum for a whole hour! Yay Me (oh yeah, and you too Maury….you too!)

BTW - does anyone know who the hell D West is? He sure is a cranky bugger.

Posted on May 14th, 2007 by Cal
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This is literally seconds of fun for the whole family! Can YOU spot the nuts?

Posted on May 1st, 2007 by Cal
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This is what the Dutchies do one day of the year, bless their little orange socks. They wake at 4pm (4.30 in my case, which is why I nearly missed a spot) or some even sleep in their cars……to do this……

Oh yes, they take ALL the shit out of their house, lay it on a tarp and sell it to other unsuspecting dutchies. Naturally, I couldn’t resist the lure and joined in this year. I must say my shit was so much better than anyone elses shit. I’d had enough by 1pm but managed to have a big cleanout and make a few $. At the end of the day these crazy entrepreneurs have two options, both equally appealling.

1. They box it all back up and drag the same shit out next year PLUS whatever shit they managed to buy for 25 cents
2. They leave it on the street for the council cleaners to pick up

If they don’t have any crap to sell they trawl the market dressed in lovely combinations of orange garments, flags and beer-hats in a freakishly patriotic way.

Hup, Hup, Holland!!!!

Posted on May 1st, 2007 by Cal
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